I remember the day I discovered the lie

When I first became "mom" I thought that meant I could ONLY be mom.
In a simultaneously literal and symbolic swoop, I packed up all of my paints and brushes and sold my soul to the mommy club.

At 23 years old I was still on the hunt for who I was and what I stood for - yet, the world told me to table that search for 18 or so years (or at least that's what I heard).

So she died.
The ferocious, curious, lioness died. Laid down and died.
She was replaced by a cautious, muted, self-conscious empty shell.

I loved my baby girl completely. In ways I never knew were even possible.
I would have laid down my life at any moment for her- for any reason.

I loved watching her grow and discover and laugh and learn.
I was baffled by the fact that somehow I had created something so mysteriously perfect.

But, "I" had no identity outside of her.

And I continued like that for 6 years.

Numb to any emotion or experience outside of being the mommy of (now two) daughters.
Numb to any hint of a dream or desire for adventure that ever tried to creep up on me.

Somehow, somewhere along the way I had bought into a lie.
The lie that in order to be a good mommy I could ONLY be a mommy.
The lie that my time to dream and grow and pursue adventure had passed.

I remember the day I discovered the lie.

I had been up all night- at work.
My work was delivering babies.
But, on this night the baby I delivered did not live.

Her name was Chloe.
She died as the sun rose through the window in the East.

I drove home that morning and went straight to the basement of my house. I dug through 6 years of storage and papers, old baby supplies and clothes and found- at the very back, my paints and brushes and a big empty, unused canvas.

I spent the day painting.

I painted a giant sunflower and I named it Chloe.

On that day I woke up. The ferocious, curious, lioness woke up.

And since that day I have run fast and hard toward my dreams. I have said yes to adventure and life.

And, my children have been right there with me. Tasting ALL life has to offer. Not a muted, cautious, dull version but the full-color, full-volume version.

And- it has been perfect.

~

What do you think mom? Have you lost your identity too? Do you need permission to wake up?

Permission granted. Go- run- live your life fully. Your children need YOU- in full color.  Not the washed up dull, grey version you may have bought into...they need YOU.

Jessica