I remember the day I discovered the lie

When I first became "mom" I thought that meant I could ONLY be mom.
In a simultaneously literal and symbolic swoop, I packed up all of my paints and brushes and sold my soul to the mommy club.

At 23 years old I was still on the hunt for who I was and what I stood for - yet, the world told me to table that search for 18 or so years (or at least that's what I heard).

So she died.
The ferocious, curious, lioness died. Laid down and died.
She was replaced by a cautious, muted, self-conscious empty shell.

I loved my baby girl completely. In ways I never knew were even possible.
I would have laid down my life at any moment for her- for any reason.

I loved watching her grow and discover and laugh and learn.
I was baffled by the fact that somehow I had created something so mysteriously perfect.

But, "I" had no identity outside of her.

And I continued like that for 6 years.

Numb to any emotion or experience outside of being the mommy of (now two) daughters.
Numb to any hint of a dream or desire for adventure that ever tried to creep up on me.

Somehow, somewhere along the way I had bought into a lie.
The lie that in order to be a good mommy I could ONLY be a mommy.
The lie that my time to dream and grow and pursue adventure had passed.

I remember the day I discovered the lie.

I had been up all night- at work.
My work was delivering babies.
But, on this night the baby I delivered did not live.

Her name was Chloe.
She died as the sun rose through the window in the East.

I drove home that morning and went straight to the basement of my house. I dug through 6 years of storage and papers, old baby supplies and clothes and found- at the very back, my paints and brushes and a big empty, unused canvas.

I spent the day painting.

I painted a giant sunflower and I named it Chloe.

On that day I woke up. The ferocious, curious, lioness woke up.

And since that day I have run fast and hard toward my dreams. I have said yes to adventure and life.

And, my children have been right there with me. Tasting ALL life has to offer. Not a muted, cautious, dull version but the full-color, full-volume version.

And- it has been perfect.

~

What do you think mom? Have you lost your identity too? Do you need permission to wake up?

Permission granted. Go- run- live your life fully. Your children need YOU- in full color.  Not the washed up dull, grey version you may have bought into...they need YOU.

Jessica

And, so, I will blog. And this is why....

No, really- we'll have four kids menus PLUS a highchair...yep, 5 kids....no, it's not a birthday party. It's just dinner.

17 years ago, in a flash, I earned the title of mom.
Since that day, I've added "ex-wife", "wife" and "step mom" to my story. And, in a final chapter of mystery and miracles, 16 years after the first,  another little voice to call me "mom".

Almost daily I am reminded of the precious commodity called time and of my own human inability to recall all of the stories of its passing.

When you browse the parenting and family aisle of the bookstore, you may as well be browsing the archives of MY story. In the 17 years since that first tiny, slimy baby girl made her way into the deepest parts of my heart, my wild story has been woven to create a full treasury of lessons learned and taught.

I've never read a parenting book I fully understood or agreed with - and I've never read one I didn't learn something from. I've never met a mom who didn't teach me something about myself or experienced a day that didn't rock my world about some belief I though was black and white.

I am often asked for parenting or marriage advice. Not because I'm perfect- but, because I've walked a long way. 

I've spoken many times about writing a book or a blog. I say it'll be called "Diapers to Dating" because, that is the story of my day. 

- I change my son's diaper while discussing dating and sex with my daughter

- I debate and discuss sleep training and reasonable curfew times with my husband and then turn around and research "ADHD treatments" and "how to fill out the college FAFSA form if you're divorced" - all in one sitting. 

- I attempt to assemble healthy meals in the face of days that are too short and grocery stores that are too busy

- I try to obey the word of God above the latest and greatest parenting or relationship fad or trend 

and, I do it all knowing that I'll mess a lot of it up- I'll get some of it right - but, through it all I'll love my family fiercely and completely every day. 

I've decided today is the day I start my blog. Not because I hope you read it or because I think I have a great solution to any issue you may have. But, because I've said I want to and, my children are watching. 

This "parenting" blog IS, in it's very existence, a parenting move. My children are watching and what do I want them to see?

I want them to see me EXECUTING my hopes and dreams. 

Why?

Because I want to look into all five of those sets of eyes and be able to say:

"YOU, my child, can and should pursue and execute your ideas. Put pen to paper, shoe leather to pavement, wings in the sky...whatever it takes...to be in action, to live your life fully and completely- To lay down at the end of your day fully exhausted and completely excited to wake up and do more. Even if you turn around and say blah- I don't actually like this...it's OK...you TRIED, do not wait, do not be afraid to grab your ideas and LIVE them."

That's why. 

So, I will blog. I will blog about the small and big things I know, learn, believe and experience. I will blog about being called mom, about marriage, about my body...about the human experience of being a woman in a house, doing my best to love my husband and to raise great humans.

Welcome to my blog!

Jessica