Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Embracing Another Sunset




(Disclaimer- This is NOT a post about anyone's choice to breastfeed or not other than my own. I hold no room in my life for judgement or opinions on another mommy's choices for herself and her children. If you could not or chose not to breastfeed please hear my heart here- this is not about your choice- you are an incredible mommy. Breastfeeding was my choice, and thats all this post is about)



In 17 years of parenting there is really only one action I've ever done that I know, without a doubt is perfect for my baby. The one action I've never thought- hmmmm...I wonder if I just caused my kid some sort of harm or residual issue that he'll later talk to his therapist about. That action was my choice to breastfeed.

It's a beautiful and simultaneously completely exhausting and miraculous journey. Keeping a tiny human alive and growing through some crazy concoction that I make yet cannot fully comprehend.

There is nothing like that moment when my tiny, naked, fresh to this world newborn somehow just knew what to do. When he first latches on and his little-bitty body sinks into mine and he knows he's safe and in that single moment I know...mommy-hood does not require any sort of book knowledge or prep. It really is just IN us.

Just like many mommies, my breastfeeding story has been full of a rollercoaster of emotions- not so pleasant pains and aches- unwanted leaks and stains and an unending search for clothes that "work". It's also full of precious, priceless middle of the night memories that only my baby and I know.

And so,

the weaning brings with it an equal amount of emotional upheaval.

My little guy is weaning now.

He's my last baby. There's no question about that.

This means one day soon we will have our last breastfeeding snuggle. It will be the last moment I experience the feeling of overwhelming peace and comfort that breastfeeding brings. I'll be seeing him off into the world of food. Off he will go to navigate good and bad choices, additives and colors, balance and indulgence.

The crazy thing about weaning is you never REALLY know when that last feeding is. It just gradually winds down and then, one day, in a flash- it never happens again.

I'm keenly aware of this right now. Knowing that every feeding could be the last. A painful awareness of the weight on my chest decreasing. An awareness of the need to pay closer attention to what and when he eats and drinks. And my heart aches.

Like the swelling that happened to my body as my baby grew was a sure sign I was creating life, the loss of the weight and the ensuing heartache is a sure sign my baby is growing.

I'm working on embracing this change.

Embracing, for a few more minutes or days or weeks the sweet tender memory of my baby as a tiny baby. Embracing the knowledge that this is one in a long list of special moments that will pass as my baby grows. Embracing the flood of memory I have in these final days - remembering nursing my other children- the different ways they each snuggle and sleep. Remembering the smell of the tops of their baby heads and the sounds of their baby songs.

Embracing the baby becoming a boy who, in the blink of an eye will be a man.

I'm working on embracing this change.

Embracing the joy of what's to come. The joys of wearing a normal bra! The joys of watching this tiny little boy explore new flavors and tastes and textures. The joys of celebrating new, tiny bits of independence and growth as he walks and runs and jumps his way into his own great adventure.

I love and treasure and cling tight to these precious moments - like secret little pieces of of a love story that my babies and I share. I'm grateful I was born a woman and I'm grateful I was given the gift of feeding my babies.  I will never take for granted the miraculous moments I get to hold in my heart forever because of this gift.

But, like sunsets, all of these beautiful moments are fleeting. Our challenge is to cease doing the "important" tasks in life long enough that we can truly breathe in the sunsets.


"Sunsets, like childhood, are viewed with wonder not just because they are beautiful but because they are fleeting."
Richard Paul Evans
jessica

Thursday, February 2, 2017

"Get Hungry" (AKA "The "mom lie" part 2)



I have a whole library of stories floating in my head that I'm hoping to, one day, get out into the written word. However, I already feel compelled to pause in my storytelling.

Why?

Because in the last few days, since I posted the story of Chloe and my uncovering of the "mom lie", so many mamas have reached out to me with the same question- formed in different ways...but the same question.

Now, just to be clear, these are moms from all over the place. Some are women I haven't seen in decades. One is actually a complete stranger- connected to me through a mutual friend. A few live down the street. This outreach has overwhelmed me for a few reasons but, the most profound has been the realization that we are all on this journey, trying to "figure stuff out" and most of us feel alone. Heartbreaking.

So, to the question:

"But, what if I don't even know what my passion is? What if I realize I WANT more and I WANT to run after the person I'm created to be....but I have no idea where to begin?"

That IS the question right? That's the big one.

I have two vivid memories:

1. We were driving to the grocery store in San Diego. The radio was playing...I don't remember what song but probably Indigo Girls or Colbie Caillat or something like that...and, I passively said:
"I always wanted to be a folk singer"

To which my 4 year old daughter responded:

"You're not dead yet"

That was it. That was the entire conversation.
That tiny conversation hit me straight in the gut. I can still feel it.
She was right.

I'm NOT dead yet.

I DO have permission to dream.

2. I was on a walk with the kids. I was openly talking to them about this wild-hair idea I had about opening a boutique (this was many years later and I had already run after many other wild-hair ideas...). All of the logical voices in my life were busy explaining to me all the reasons why opening a store was nonsense. And, there are a LOT of reasons.
And then,
my daughter said:

"If you don't do it won't you always wonder what would've happened?"

That was it.

Those two moments did something in me. They moved something. A ROCK that was blocking my heart.

They opened my heart and mind up to the possibility of wild failure and wild success and the understanding that they were the exact same thing.

I have yet to be a folk singer...that dream got muted by others that excited me even more (someday I will still learn to play that guitar though! Not dead yet!)
I did open the boutique. It was wild and it turned out to not be what I want for my life. But, does that mean it failed? NOPE- it means I was wildly successful in closing in on my real mission- my real passion.

So then, what if you have no idea? What if you feel frozen and you don't even know how to start looking for you?

Start here:

Get HUNGRY.
If you walk into a restaurant and you aren't hungry - if you walk in with the strong opinion resonating in your brain of "I'm not hungry"- there will be nothing there for you to eat. Nothing will sound good or right.
But, if you walk in, ready to eat- excited for the meal- you'll find EVERYTHING looks great.

Your Passion IS on the menu. Get hungry to find it.

Go out into the day with your heart wide open for experiences that fuel you...and then follow them until the lesson is discovered.

No one can tell you what your passion is or where you find it. But if you're not hungry for it- the chances of you passing it by are high.

Get HUNGRY. Let's eat.