Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Embracing Another Sunset




(Disclaimer- This is NOT a post about anyone's choice to breastfeed or not other than my own. I hold no room in my life for judgement or opinions on another mommy's choices for herself and her children. If you could not or chose not to breastfeed please hear my heart here- this is not about your choice- you are an incredible mommy. Breastfeeding was my choice, and thats all this post is about)



In 17 years of parenting there is really only one action I've ever done that I know, without a doubt is perfect for my baby. The one action I've never thought- hmmmm...I wonder if I just caused my kid some sort of harm or residual issue that he'll later talk to his therapist about. That action was my choice to breastfeed.

It's a beautiful and simultaneously completely exhausting and miraculous journey. Keeping a tiny human alive and growing through some crazy concoction that I make yet cannot fully comprehend.

There is nothing like that moment when my tiny, naked, fresh to this world newborn somehow just knew what to do. When he first latches on and his little-bitty body sinks into mine and he knows he's safe and in that single moment I know...mommy-hood does not require any sort of book knowledge or prep. It really is just IN us.

Just like many mommies, my breastfeeding story has been full of a rollercoaster of emotions- not so pleasant pains and aches- unwanted leaks and stains and an unending search for clothes that "work". It's also full of precious, priceless middle of the night memories that only my baby and I know.

And so,

the weaning brings with it an equal amount of emotional upheaval.

My little guy is weaning now.

He's my last baby. There's no question about that.

This means one day soon we will have our last breastfeeding snuggle. It will be the last moment I experience the feeling of overwhelming peace and comfort that breastfeeding brings. I'll be seeing him off into the world of food. Off he will go to navigate good and bad choices, additives and colors, balance and indulgence.

The crazy thing about weaning is you never REALLY know when that last feeding is. It just gradually winds down and then, one day, in a flash- it never happens again.

I'm keenly aware of this right now. Knowing that every feeding could be the last. A painful awareness of the weight on my chest decreasing. An awareness of the need to pay closer attention to what and when he eats and drinks. And my heart aches.

Like the swelling that happened to my body as my baby grew was a sure sign I was creating life, the loss of the weight and the ensuing heartache is a sure sign my baby is growing.

I'm working on embracing this change.

Embracing, for a few more minutes or days or weeks the sweet tender memory of my baby as a tiny baby. Embracing the knowledge that this is one in a long list of special moments that will pass as my baby grows. Embracing the flood of memory I have in these final days - remembering nursing my other children- the different ways they each snuggle and sleep. Remembering the smell of the tops of their baby heads and the sounds of their baby songs.

Embracing the baby becoming a boy who, in the blink of an eye will be a man.

I'm working on embracing this change.

Embracing the joy of what's to come. The joys of wearing a normal bra! The joys of watching this tiny little boy explore new flavors and tastes and textures. The joys of celebrating new, tiny bits of independence and growth as he walks and runs and jumps his way into his own great adventure.

I love and treasure and cling tight to these precious moments - like secret little pieces of of a love story that my babies and I share. I'm grateful I was born a woman and I'm grateful I was given the gift of feeding my babies.  I will never take for granted the miraculous moments I get to hold in my heart forever because of this gift.

But, like sunsets, all of these beautiful moments are fleeting. Our challenge is to cease doing the "important" tasks in life long enough that we can truly breathe in the sunsets.


"Sunsets, like childhood, are viewed with wonder not just because they are beautiful but because they are fleeting."
Richard Paul Evans
jessica

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